*To those who are feeling similar - please know that you are not alone.
When will I ever be good enough?
Maybe when they start talking to you more - actually, maybe when you are able to digest all the heavy text they supply you like others and then talk about it intelligently, then you will be good enough.
Or maybe it's the marks...
Or it's the...
Words are an extremely powerful weapon. Whether it'd be vocal or written, whatever comments made directed to you can always have an overwhelming impact. It's a common thing to talk about among my group of friends (whether they're from Architecture school or high school) about the comments that really places us on the edge - which in turn has catalysed extremely cautious personalities within.
Whenever someone giving me feedback otherwise people trying to give their opinion of my taste, mental walls slowly build themselves around my mind as I try to take in their advice at the same time trying to formulate my opinion in response to theirs. This would result in a very defeating battle where I'd arrive home, sit in my chair with pen and paper in front of me, trying to erase everything before me and rebuilt what others have suggested.
I honestly hate it, every day questioning whether I am doing enough, whether I am finally on the same level as other people in my class. It's a constant cycle: whether I would get a job at an architecture firm like others, know and be able to digest an incredible amount of knowledge, read almost every theoretical book in the library and be able to carry a very philosophical conversation.
With the many goals mentally noted coupled with the amounting pressure to do well, the self criticism never gets any lighter. These questions tend to saturate my anxiety on days I wake up not feeling like the same person as I was before. It becomes vexing really, sometimes lying awake at night, trying to convince yourself that you don't need to mould yourself like others.
It is hard, wanting to be confident about yourself yet trying not to seek validation from others.
There are times where I have found myself chastising myself, telling myself to be more mature, more 'grown up' and that I don't need to feed off from seeking words that gives affirmation. Sometimes, I'd like to believe that it is because of growing up in an environment where relatives would pit you and your cousins together, looking forward to seeing who would grow up to fulfil the desired roles. Then there would the occasion where you'd be curious to know whether you've gained your relatives' approval by studying something that is rather unconventional. From dinner table conversations filled with assumption and curiosity - while I understand that they mean well and are asking out of genuine concern, there is that nagging feeling that the steadfast decision you have made has clearly shaken up expectations from others.
On 'The Guilty Feminist' where one episode focused on regret - it felt rather comforting to hear the hosts assure that it is alright to forgive yourself for the mistakes you have made - so long as you can learn from it. Likewise, there have been many mornings (and guiltily some late nights) I have to physically tell myself that I have done my best and just need to continue to grow.
Yet the question still remains:
When will I ever be good enough?
I don't like asking or seeking for validation. However, deep down inside me, I crave for it when I know very well that the only person I need validation with from myself. But how do you give yourself the words of affirmation when you decide to constantly put yourself down? Putting others on pedestals, comparing yourself to others and constantly sitting on a train that leads you to a tunnel of negative thoughts is a journey that is hard to break free from. The common saying 'you are your own worst critic' couldn't hold any more truth to that.
It doesn't help when our architecture culture is packed with many who are burning themselves through the night finishing their project when the image I would project in my head is that they are doing a lot more than me. While I feel like I've finished and have enough to talk about, something is chewing at my thoughts, I've still yet to accomplish more.
'I think perhaps, you are at the start of trying to discover yourself'
Perhaps my counsellor is correct. I am still trying to find my footing and understand who I truly am. Everyday is trying to make myself feel more accomplished and competent.
Yet for now, it's just telling myself that this will pass.
When will I ever be good enough?
In response to: The Guilty Feminist 108: Living with Regret
How I Got Through The Worst Days of My Life (So Far)