"But, how have you stayed happy or enjoy what you're studying in architecture?"
Last week, my friend and I were polishing off our pancakes on our long overdue catch up when he asked me the question. Our conversation has reached a point where our doubts and wariness for our future has us questioning about the choices we have made in our lives so far. The amount of studying and measures taken to achieve our ambitions was evidently wearing us down.
"I guess it's because we know that we may not get the opportunity to design something like the way we do again - in a practice at least..."
This question has stayed with me (for I struggled to find a decent response to my friend's question) and spilled into my conversation with my mentor the very next day when as we left the cafe. She disagreed with my answer, as she stated that by determining what she wanted to achieve and produce while working in a firm, she was able to obtain her desired position.
Perhaps it was the terminology itself that makes it hard to define or find what happiness truly is. The term 'happy' can be used carelessly if we weren't challenged with the varying degree of perspectives from others. Looking back at some of my honest talks with my friends, we frequently challenge each other to define what happiness means to us:
- Small milestones
- Relationships
- Materialistic achievements
- Goals reached
Yet in architecture, where does the happiness lie? Is it the effort you have placed in your work that defines your happiness? Otherwise is it because of the results being produced that brings out joy? Or is it because our project has reflected a certain feedback you desired from your tutors?
Looking back at the past five years now, and now finally to be able to reconcile with myself, telling myself that it is okay to have a break - I guess I was happy, especially when I found a thread and narrative in my project that I could explain it passionately. Having said, it also took me four years to understand the pressure I was having on myself was putting myself on the verge of wanting to leave architecture altogether.
I guess, after studying architecture for five years straight with no year out - sometimes I felt completely consumed by my work (which while I enjoyed), was mentally and sometimes physically taxing. There have been many moments where I have found myself burnt out to a point where I felt completely worthless in my studies, and once again I have to slowly build myself back into a place where I could confidently believe in myself without seeking validation.
On the flip side, I have experienced a decent amount of fluxes of emotions that I am able to carry a thoughtful conversation with those who have never been otherwise share a similar experience to mine.