“Sometimes, it is not asking who you are, but asking who you will become”
- Paul Venet
It’s been a while since I’ve written here.
It’s also been a while since I’ve written another reflection piece for the public to read as well. (Currently I’m trying to rest my shaky hands because I was so close in winning in Hades - but unfortunately, I lost at the very last minute!)
Evidently, this year hasn’t been the smoothest for many of us - especially for those who’ve been jostled by the ins and outs of lockdown restrictions and being confronted with uncertainty that has been magnified more and more by the curveballs that we’re faced with everyday.
Thinking back to my entry that I’ve written for the beginning of 2020 - I asked myself as has Paul Venet has asked me ‘What will you become?’. Throughout 2021 - was a mere discovery of the premise of that prompt. You see, I started working at an architecture firm (finally!), became part of an architecture committee, and continually enjoy my freelance writing elsewhere. It’s funny how the ambitions that I’ve wanted suddenly all came crashing in at once - but not without certain sacrifices.
Where I once thought I could have everything all at once, it slowly evolved into a process of picking priorities. My teaching job - which I loved immensely was put on the back-shelf because I didn’t realise that adjusting to a full-time job meant making a personal space for myself. My blog and podcast were given less love due to the new commitments I’ve agreed upon. Oddly enough, the amount of guilt I thought I’d feel was relatively lighter than I’d given it.
Perhaps this was a case of accepting that how I split myself would also overtake the space of guilt that I was prepared to feel. Otherwise, it’s because I was suddenly given these new opportunities that I gave myself permission to put the others on a pause. I was exploring a new realm in which allowed me to realise that I enjoyed working at a firm as much as I loved being in the side of academia; I was able to envelop myself in a different support environment within the architecture industry; I was able to develop a different kind of confidence within myself.
Maybe, then maybe - the person I’ve started to become during 2021 was one who knew how to compromise with herself, otherwise be more realistic about the expectations placed on herself. Still a heroine in the making - but more accepting that I can’t have everything all at once. Because if I tried to achieve all my ambitions, I risk my own performance - and worse, risk my identity that could be lost adrift in the architecture realm.
A few days ago, when I was cleaning up my space - I found a folded paper-plane pendant. Not sure how it got there, but I am left with a somewhat optimistic feeling in knowing that things will be okay if there is growth. That is growth in responsibilities, growth as a person, growth in becoming more self-aware and of course - growth in adulting.
I’ll still write here and podcast here I promise - but I don’t know how regular will that be. But I know that so long as I keep doing what I’m doing - I know I’ll be okay.
And I hope everyone reading this will be okay too. Here’s to many more thoughtful moments, tears and smiles along the way. May we all enter the new year with determination, ambition and most importantly - hope.
With love,
K.
Related works: Words of Affirmation : Identity Crisis (2020)