It was the start of this month when over some comfort food with friends when I remembered the motto I used to live by – ‘whether you like it or not, hard work will always get you somewhere’. We were discussing about reasons that motivate us when striving for our own identities. Thinking about this year, it feels apt to capture it with one of my favourite Tumblr/ Facebook quotes:
“I can do this, I thought. Then: And even if I can’t, I have to.”
- Unknown
The first half of the year felt almost non-existent, if anything it felt like I’ve found myself coming into life during the last four months of this year. A combination of burnout, stress from new responsibilities and unknowing life pressures came to fruition. That is not to say I have forgotten certain moments that occurred during the start of the year – I allowed romance into my life that led to disappointment, allowed new friendships to come into my life and accepted with peace that it is okay to let go some of the responsibilities that you’ve held onto for a long time.
The hardest part of it was perhaps rekindling a hectic relationship with anxiety that decided to press heavily down on my sanity. The stress and the feeling of being overwhelmed caused a haze that I could barely distinguish if certain events occurred at the start of the year or the previous year.
As I have mentioned in last year’s reflection – I felt that I was living through layers of daze and uncertainty. My travel to Tasmania out of my desire for solitude allowed me to come to terms with sadness. This year, reaching burnout, I’ve found myself in Japan with my friends (new and old) as I was seeking for subject to fill my enthusiasm for the things that I love.
Plant Boy Series - scytheilliot (Tumblr)
Something that I’ve also been feeling majority of the time
Evidently, this year, I’ve neglected my blog and podcast a lot. Even skills that have sustained me (drawing for instance) has slowly slipped away from me. My mind gravitated to nostalgia, I was either with dolls, or my doll house, or even on my couch staring into space. If not, I’d be trimming my plants, or returning to the sewing machine, allowing the mechanical noise to carry me throughout the day. It hurts to find myself not being able to do the things that I adore – and perhaps it’s a signal to pause at a marathon that I’ve been pacing for almost four years.
I don’t know whether I’ll feel fully nourished by the start of next year, but with modifications to my ambitions and desires – I hope that I’ll be able to return home to something that makes me happy.
2023 has been a mixture of sleep paralysis in-between daydreams, here’s to 2024 with fulfilment and revival.
This entry is written on the lands of the Wurundjeri Country of the Eastern Kulin Nation.