A part of me wondered if this year has left me feeling like I have been in a state of limbo through the accumulation of fatigue and burnout that has finally caught up with me after the events in the past two years. From sitting at home to transitioning to what we call it normal has been filled with trepidation – a hint of paranoia to wanting to not be reminded of the current situation that we are brought with is tiring.
Additionally, another year working professionally in the industry (working in a firm that is) has also opened up a lot of questions for myself, my identity and my relationship with myself altogether.
I won’t deny that this year has had its various ups and downs. What felt like a year that was filled with starts and stops also felt like a year of wandering through a blanket of haze. There would be days when I wish time would slow down for me, and there would be days where I resented the slowness of time. I watched people whom I admire opening themselves to another avenue, while I am asking myself whether I am demanding enough to meet the expectations of myself at work. The dynamic of spectating others and their growth while struggling to witness my own was distinguishable – added the internal reviews asking me whether I am getting what I want in a relatively mentally fatiqued state made me wonder if I felt satisfied from those discussions after all.
Albeit, among the thick of it all, this year has taught me about boundaries within me. Where last year – I broke my heart by forfeiting teaching to accommodate the space for myself, this year was about giving up the need to complete every item with a sense of urgency. Riding the tides of tight deadlines and being more upfront about what I was physically and mentally capable of was new to me, and I was surprised by my sharp responses when I disagreed with something. I gave myself permission to take time off from work – a week in Tasmania to be at ease with myself while escaping the self-flagellation that continually haunts me during my mentally dark periods. Through the small space of respite, I was grateful for the tiny formation of clarity in who I will become in the distant future was terrifying and exciting.
And despite the state of burnout I was in – there were small surprises as well. Somehow, I’ve found myself shortlisted for two awards (mission accomplished!), found new friendships, and discovered emotions that I have missed for nearly two years. Admittedly, while my anxiety decided to return in one of its physically crippling forms – I was thankful that I could become acquainted with it and coax it into releasing its grip on my sanity.
As uplifting as I would like to be – this year has been one where it has allowed me to travel in contentment. Growing pains were evident in adjusting to change in confidence rather than wanting to flee the situation. I was allowing myself to develop a routine that I am fond of which I haven’t had in a while. Indeed, the calm of the currents invites a catastrophic mind of ‘what ifs’ yet it is one that requests peace and acceptance.
Yes, I have lost some time in focusing on my blog and podcast – and my writing has become more private hence the lack of sharing.
Yes, I am more withdrawn from communicating with others in the architecture sphere – but that gave me space to further carve out my architectural identity.
But while I am allowing myself to let the rigidity go, I am finally allowing my physical state to recuperate itself. I’ve found reverie in a different way – and in some ways that are making me look forward to my next adventures.
Not going to lie though, I still feel jaded despite it all however, I will still allow myself to relish in the rest and white noise that I didn’t know I have been missing in a long while.
Here’s to another year.
This entry is written on the lands of the Wurundjeri Country of the Eastern Kulin Nation.